I’ve been struggling with depression lately–it’s been building for the past two or three weeks. The only thing that has changed is that my psychiatrist cut the dosage on one of my meds. That could be it–it probably is it–but I don’t want to go back on the previous dosage. Because the trade-off is that I’m thinking more clearly.
I noticed that before the depression set in. Dr. S cut my dosage because I complained that my thinking was fuzzy. I couldn’t think of words or think things through. I would forget things as soon as I thought about them. I couldn’t stay on task. Hell, I couldn’t get myself “on task” to begin with.
But with this depression I’m having trouble thinking and acting for different reasons. My thoughts are obsessive: about how much I dislike myself, about things that could go wrong. All I want to do is escape from my thoughts. So I read all the time and when I’m not reading I fall asleep. I “nap” two or three times a day some days. I never jump out of bed and get going. (Although I’m not a morning person at the best of times.) The only writing I’m doing is for my blogs–and that’s been like pulling teeth. Nothing else appeals to me. I haven’t even been studying my Arabic.
I feel desperate but I’m hanging in there. Because I really want to try to work things out for myself. That could be an exercise in futility. But if my only option is to go back to fuzzy thinking, I’d rather use the brain power I’ve gotten back to figure out ways to fight this depression. What can I do to make myself feel better about myself? How can I reassure myself that the worst is not going to happen?
I haven’t been praying, but then I never have prayed much. I do direct thoughts “at” God and hope that He is aware of what’s going on with me. I’m just not sure how much He is willing to intervene. That makes Him sound so removed. And I’ve always drawn comfort from the concept of a personal God. But I’ve never believed that we can ask Him for things and then willy-nilly He’ll make them happen.
Besides, it’s not more faith in God that I need. It’s more faith in me.